I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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