I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He did a backflip because drugs
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize