we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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