even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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