That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
