News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i think my cat just said my name.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
