i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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