I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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