Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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