his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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