You're so nebulous sometimes
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
