im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
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Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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