im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
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We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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