I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
