Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
