I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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