I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
