I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
