we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think I won the penis lottery.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
