I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
