Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
