Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
