omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
