Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
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If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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