hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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