I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
