I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
