Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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