Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
