Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
