Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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