Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
