Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
