Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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