Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
