can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
