I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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