i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
