she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
