Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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