At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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