fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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