mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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