everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it's like iHOP with fire
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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