i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
