12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Randomize
