My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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