Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
