Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
