Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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