he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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