If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize