I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
