She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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